That goddamn "Barbie" movie has already committed a grave sin

Fran Hoepfner is right; we’ve already seen way too many stills from Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie that is somehow real and not a fever dream. I know that I’m being a hypocrite by making you look at them, but please indulge me:

Do you see what’s wrong here? It’s not the eyesore of a color palette, nor is it that Greta Gerwig is making a Barbie movie. You’re going to have to look at the expanded images because of Twitter’s annoying cropping algorithm, but once you notice, you can’t unsee it.

Where are their helmets?!

I get that it probably cost a lot of money to book these people and that you want to see their faces as much as possible, and yes, a helmet can make that a little difficult. But by that same token wouldn’t you want to take every precaution to ensure that they don’t crack their goddamn heads open?! Tom Cruise breaking his ankle held up an entire production; I have to assume a skull injury would be far worse for everyone involved! Somehow I’m more offended by how Margot and Ryan are wearing elbow and knee pads (Ryan isn’t even wearing the elbow pads) while neglecting to protect the most important body part. And then there’s that still of Margot and America completely throwing caution to the wind with nothing on while in motion. At least they’re stationary in those first few shots!

For god’s sake, Margot did an entire figure skating movie. Sure, figure skaters don’t wear helmets or pads—though they probably should!—but you’d think she’d have the foresight to realize that falling is absolutely an option. Even if you’re going slow, it only takes one particularly good smack on the pavement to start seeing stars! I hope the medical response team was on standby because this is an accident waiting to happen.

This is probably the most “get off my lawn” I’ve gotten on the blog in a long time, but you can blame my upbringing—I once saw my dad roll down his car window to yell at some helmet-less skateboarders. And he was right! If you want to shred, protect your head.

Unless the helmets they had on hand were also that putrid green color. Maybe I’d rather Ryan Gosling get a concussion and take one for the team.