In defense of Machoke

In a day or two, the internet at large will know the truth, so maybe I should ease my friends into it: I am, in fact, a gamer.

Sorry for the hacky joke, I hated it too. But it is true that Pokémon Legends: Arceus has eaten my entire weekend. I could do twelve posts on the little details that I love, like the way Alpha Snorlax does a little hula hoop before it tries to beat the shit out of you. (In a moment of hubris, I laughed at it from a nearby ledge, confident that it couldn’t reach me until it fucking JUMPED and made me actually scream. This game is great.)

All that said, there are more pressing issues at hand than Snorlax aerobics classes. The vaguely reptilian fighting-type Machoke has a bit of a bad rap. Let’s just get it out of the way: it’s one of the most uncomfortable Pokémon designs I’ve ever seen. (And I’ve been a Pokegamer since childhood, so I’ve seen some shit.) It’s humanoid but also very much not, it looks like it’s wearing pants but it’s very much not, and why in god’s name is it called Machoke?! Don’t want to think about that for too long.

And that’s all before the new games introduced a 3D overworld aspect so you could really take in Machoke’s physique—and aggression. To quote one of my favorite subheds to ever grace the internet, if you get too close in Sword and Shield, the Superpower Pokémon is ready to beat ass. It will charge at you and because of the overworld aspect, running for your fucking life feels a lot more real than running through tall grass, even if there’s no actual game mechanic for you to take its punches. For some godforsaken reason, Nintendo chose to show a video of this happening while trying to promote the game, apparently oblivious to the primal fear this image strikes into my very being:

This fear factor is dialed up to 11 in Arceus. Instead of just risking it clobbering your crew, it’s your ass on the line if you piss it off. No more Mr. Nice Pokémon: Machoke can and will beat you up. Not only that, but it can get even bigger if you stumble upon an Alpha. It really looks like Game Freak is hell-bent on leaning into just how horrifying this mistake of a Pokémon is.

But I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of mistakes, and I’ve found that Machoke has actually grown on me. Sure, the charging and falcon kicking can be hard to defend—Machoke can absolutely defend itself, as I’ve learned the hard way. In the wild, though, Machoke can be surprisingly chill. It has attacked me after escaping a Poké ball, but there have been multiple times that I’ve walked right up to it only to have nothing happen, except for a few flexes. If I had gains like that, maybe I too would flex on random passersby! Don’t act like you wouldn’t at least consider it.

If you visit the top of Obsidian Falls, there’s a group of them hanging out, just guys being dudes. They’ll attack if you try to catch them or if they’re protecting a Chansey, but if you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. Even Machoke’s got a code.

It can even be kind of… charming? No one’s calling Machoke cute, but it’s hard not to giggle when you find it in a tree or getting a case of the zoomies. It’ll forlornly look into the distance like we’ve all done at some point or other. The flexing can be intimidating, and those muscles aren’t just for looks if you provoke it, but most of the time you have to really make an effort to do that. It’s usually content with just showing off. And let’s be fair: Big Machoke gets a lot of attention, but there is also Small Machoke who shouldn’t be ignored.

You know who really deserves all the hate Machoke gets? Fucking Golbat. Fuck Golbat! There’s a little bastard who will go out of its way to attack you unprovoked. Not only that, it will fully jumpscare you too, just to drive its point home. And it’ll keep pursuing you long after that point is made! Golbat has no redeeming charms, no quirky mannerisms to make up for its bloodlust, and certainly no mercy. Machoke will just beat you up a bit, but Golbat will slice you apart with air blades. That’s way worse! And if we’re giving Machoke shit for its looks: WHY IS GOLBAT’S MOUTH SO BIG?! It’s a black hole of an unforgiving maw, and honestly, that’s so much more terrifying than Machoke’s lack of pants.

Friends, gamers, countrymen, no longer should we disparage a muscly lad who just wants to flex on us. Let us direct our ire onto Golbat, the pugnacious piece of shit that also has the fun quality of wanting to drink your blood. Remember who the real enemy is.